Intervals a la Sheryl
April 21, 2020
by Martin Lawrence
Frontpage Article, Headlines, News Specials
Sheryl who is a Redway Runners and leads the Run-Walk-Run group for the club has put this intervals session together
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Hello lovelies, welcome to Thursday night Intervals with Sheryl – it’s a bit like Listen with Mother except you don’t (at any point) get comfortable, there is a monster instead of Mother and it’s more of an imperative than passive listening!
My session this evening is based around the thing we used to do before lockdown happened: Shopping. For this, now rare, event, I will be sending Bruce out to the village shop for some, very much needed essentials. The village shop is approximately 200 yards away from our house. Unfortunately, for Bruce, the village shop is closing in 15 minutes and he knows, after 31 years with me, that I REALLY won’t be happy if he returns without my essentials.
Firstly, because I’m not such an ogre, and because For Love or Money starts at 7pm which he wants to see, he needs to get himself 6 cans of IPA and a bottle of Chardonnay for me.
He races off like a greyhound after a rabbit and returns within 2 minutes and 30 seconds (yes, I was timing him – what else was I supposed to do?) – not bad except the muppet forgot my wine – how could he? Has he learnt nothing in 31 years?
Interval two. Survive the killer stare from your wife and return to the shop 200 yards away and get the wine. In the meantime, I will drink a can of his IPA as punishment – these are the best intervals ever!
Hoorah! He returns within 2 minutes and 30 seconds again – clearly, he wasn’t trying the first time he went. A nice cold bottle of Chardonnay is prised from his now sweaty mitts and has a corkscrew thrust into its neck before he even hears that he didn’t think for himself and bring me some crisps to soak up the alcohol.
You guessed it – off you go Bruce!
Two minutes 40 seconds passes – as does most of the wine – not so good this time (for Bruce) but I am having an awesome evening! Salt and Vinegar and Cheesy Doritos now lounge provocatively on my side, goading me to undress them – I have no choice, except first, I need chocolate – it’s the alcohol! I also help myself to an IPA for later – serves him right for not making the 2 minute 30 second deadline I so helpfully set him.
Bye Bruce!
Two minutes and 29 seconds means he gets to keep all his IPA this time. I also get to keep the chocolate now bestowed on my side table which is insisting on me devouring it – I glug back some wine before I explain to Bruce that Wendy opposite has posted on our village Whatsapp group that she wants some Diet Coke.
Au revoir Bruce – time to step up and be the Bionic Bruce that Jo Thomas calls you!
Two minutes and 30 exactly. Good timing – he gets to keep the remaining IPA and can actually open it once he has left the cans on Wendy’s doorstep.
Before he can take his hands from his knees and stand up straight, I smile sweetly (always dangerous) and ask him to go and get a pack of toilet roll for Lottey Gates who has been busy working and unable to get to the shops before they sell out.
Auf Weidersehen Bruce – run like the wind for Lottey and her loo rolls!
It must be his fear of the wrath of Lottey, for Bruce managed 2 minutes and 28 seconds – his best time yet! To be fair, I don’t care about his time – I care that my wine bottle is empty …
“Bruce!”
In summary, 5 x 200 metre repeats, trying to maintain the same pace for the same distance with a slight rest in between of no more than a minute. Bruce looks like a pinker version of himself, but, to state the obvious, I don’t care – I’ve had a bottle of wine, two cans of IPA, a bar of chocolate and a bag of crisps – perhaps I’ll do the intervals next week!
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